We named our party play list daddy issues
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
