Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize