I think my vagina is haunted
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
