there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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