You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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