Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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