Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
