Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
