Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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