guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she told me i tasted like america
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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