connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Randomize
