Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
