No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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