Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
