I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
