apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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