i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
A+ Viking dick
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
