i think my mom watched the whole time
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
