So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
