By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
