Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
