i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
