She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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