omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
