then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
