There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Enjoy the penises
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