Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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