Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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