Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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