On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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