Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
