ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
This is my gift to your gina
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
