he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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