WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
