So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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