mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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