oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
