my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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