You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Randomize
