I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
