I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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