my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
