Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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