this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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