she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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