I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
