well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
