we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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