I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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