life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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