Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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