What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My life is pants optional.
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