I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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