Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
