Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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