I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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